the phone call i wish i didn't receive

I got one of those phone calls the other day. You know, one of those phone calls that you hope and some pray that you never receive. The phone calls that send you into a whole different state of being. Yeah, I got one of those, but I was in a building where my phone doesn’t get reception and so it ended up being that I got one of those messages.

One of those messages is worse than one of those phone calls because there is no time to react, no build up. It’s one voice leaving you a message that you could never be prepared to get.

There were euphemisms and apologies to try and soften the blow. A blow that hit so hard I forgot to breathe. Even when I remembered to do so I couldn’t, and when I did it was to make a sound that resembled sobbing.

It’s surreal. Things like this don’t happen. Well, they do. On the news. In the papers. To strangers, poor strangers. This doesn’t happen to us. Not to someone I know. Until it does. She’s gone. I just saw her a little over a month ago and she’s gone. Suddenly. Tragically. Questions are still unanswered and details are still unknown and all I want to do is to wake up and for this to be a disgusting nightmare. Is it real? It is.

And now I’m missing a dear friend and wishing I was 2,000 miles from here to be with others who share the same feeling.

Chicago Bound

I need to tell you that I haven't slept well in over a week. I nailed it down to anxiety or maybe anticipation or maybe just being plain ol' excited. Flight leaves around 10:30 and arrives at 4 something. My biggest fear is that I will fear/look/smell/walk like a tourist. Ha. Kinda funny, isn't it?

Over lunch today a friend and I discussed the many situations that could arise from this trip, and by many I mean many romantic situations. He could live there. He could live there, but his family is from here. He could be there on a business trip and live here. I think Boston might have even been thrown in the mix. We're silly, but I have no expectations in regards to anything except for the food and my friends. The food will be fantastic and my friends are amazing.

life as i know it

This may be a little misleading as I do not spend the majority of my time sitting on my front porch or taking photos of myself in my bathroom - it is the room in the house with the best lighting though. I do consume a lot of blood oranges and purple potatoes and spend a good chunk of my time with that ridiculous little dog, but I've only worn the pink wellies three times this entire "winter." I do wear hats a lot, mostly because I am lazy - too lazy to wash my hair, too lazy to straighten it and since it's short a pony tail is not even an option. I don't have photos of me in my office, or in front of this computer uploading photos of car parts I know nothing about, or of the interactions in the conference room that have lead 2 of my coworkers to try and play cupid or how i walk away from my computer any time i try signing onto e-harmony because it really is just way too much. Hm, no photos of me finding one good thing on that blasted website, either. I don't have photos of me crying multiple times this past week and weekend due to some of the most beautiful things in all of existence, or me breaking the printing ribbon for a printer at work. twice. Unfortunately I don't have photos or videos nor am I allowed to tell the stories of all the experiences that can only be explained as "beauty for ashes." But let me tell you, life has been deep lately, but the best kind of deep where every day has meaning and in that way where i'm aware of it, but it isn't overwhelming.

I'm headed to Chicago in exactly a week for about 6 days and while the trip is definitely a break my from every day life and a vacation of sorts, I feel like when I'm there I will be doing this combination of cleaning house and opening up a whole different chapter of my life. I left a lot of junk in Chicago, emotionally speaking not just material things, and Chicago has an entire unopened box hidden in me. I think whatever is in there is really fueling all of the change and growth that has been going on lately and once it's out and real there is only more growing to do. But until those words and photos come about, enjoy this because it's all sorts of fantastic:

Straight out of a movie and I'm an extra

One of my favorite sounds in the world is the sound of my parents laughing. Just the two of them, when nobody has any idea what is so funny. My parents, the ones who have faced, overcome and moved on from obstacles in life and their marriage only to be MY parents, the ones who, when I walked up the stairs, turned on earth wind and fire and danced in our kitchen in their pjs.

It was like I was in a movie, but was an extra, or maybe a by product? Ha.

Hearts and flour and sugar and matches. Fun.

"Where have you been lately?"
"Um, in my kitchen"
"What?"
"Seriously. I made 200 mini cupcakes for a wedding last friday and then made close to 300 cupcakes for the women's event on Thursday. I am like a machine, it's kind of nuts."
"Cupcakes?"
"Yes. Cupcakes. Brownie Heart Cupcakes."

"Crazy. So did you do anything for valentine's day?"
"Yeah. I hung out with my awesome sister. Ate the mascarpone stuffed french toast with berries at starling diner and watched He's Just Not That Into You. "

"That movie is funny isn't it?"
"Yeah, it was. But it was totally awkward because I just felt like I was seeing past mistakes on a huge screen, then I realized I'd almost gotten to the point where I was that guy...anyway"
"You're so funny. So are you seeing anyone?"
"What the heck?"
"Well, I haven't seen you in a while so I was just asking"
"Funny because everyone, everywhere, just keeps talking to me about getting married or dating men, but no. I'm not. However, I did do something ridiculous...I signed up for eHarmony."
(insert absurd amounts of laughter here)
"My sister threatened me, then one of my other friends told me I should just for fun. It's not fun. It's confusing and these matches I get, they're just...ugh. It makes me feel terrible as if these matches are a reflection of who I am and my God I hope I'm not like that. Whatever, it's supposed to be 'fun'"

Okay, in all honesty, I was seriously fed up with the online matching thing and it was only day 2. Then I got this morning's matches and they were a million times better. I'm sure the minute they are not interested and close the match is when I will return right back to fed up. Dating, of any kind, is extremely exhausting. Oops, I mean...fun.

my fear of men according to my father

Me: Am I making any sense? I feel like I'm in limbo...
Dad: You are making sense. You know what you need to do?
Me: What? *awaiting something profound and life changing*
Dad: Shant, you need to date a man.
Me: What? Are you serious?
Dad: Yes.
Me: Dad, I said I wanted friends, not a boyfriend. I meant like I wanted to be grown up again and meet other people who get where I'm at. What does dating a guy have anything to do with it? I don't want to get married right now!
Dad: Shant, I didn't say you had to get married. You don't need to marry the first guy you meet.
Me: I know, but...I just want to be friends.
Dad: What's the definition of insanity?
Me: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But dad!
Dad: You have a fear of men.
Me: Not true, I have lots of guy friends. I talk to boys all the time.
Dad: No, You have a fear of MEN, not boys, but MEN.

a day or two later
Me: Dad says I have a fear of men. He's crazy, right?
Sister: What?
Me: Dad says I have a fear of men. I don't have a fear of men.
Sister: Well, you have a fear of something.

twenty-four before 24 progress...

Things crossed off the list:

*missions trip...tecate, mexico. december of 08
*get health insurance...november of 08

In the works/continually happening:
1. chicago. not on a budget. march 10-16!
2. dinner at chez panisse. val and i are taking a trip to San Francisco and Berkeley for this reason. we just don't have the date down yet.
3. go hiking in malibu.
4. be healthier. make going to the gym occur more than eating sugar for dinner. i've been working out every morning, and 4 days out of the week i pretty much eat vegan, no white flour and no sugar.
5. grow spiritually.
6. dedicate time to reach out and help people. post abortion recovery support group starts this thursday!
7. teach a once a month lunch time cooking class in the office. this was a coworkers idea for me, but i think it'd be awesome to execute.
8. vlog. just bought a new digital camera that i can record with. i practice sometimes, but never upload. haha.
9. be more environmentally friendly. kor water bottle, have been better about recycling, turning off the water when i don't need it and i buy almost all of my produce from the farmers market, hooray for buying local!
10. Put money in my savings account and don't touch it. Okay, I'm saving it for Chicago, but from then on it's untouched for something big.


Get on it:
11. Learn conversational spanish. I will not be left out of jokes in Tecate this year! It would also come in handy for you know, a trip to Spain in 2010.
12. go on a proper date with someone i actually like. ha, i do have faith that this is possible.
13. cooking classes for fun. if you know of any places that are worth my time and money in the LA area let me know.
14. relearn french i've been reading culinary school/program websites in french. does that count? hm.
15. do the slow food movement for a month. no cheating.
16. host a private supper club. i am never going to own a restaurant, so this is my substitute.
17. integrate stevia and fruit juices as a substitute for sugar in my baking. not all of it, though.
18. write. um, slacking. totally slacking.
19. get the pie crust down. seriously.
20. see/hear/experience more live music.
21. start collecting/documenting family conversations/quotes because we really are that hysterical and it'll be a better representation of us than photos years from now.
22. play in the rain. jump in puddles in those bright pink wellies of mine.